I Never Left
by slysadie
Summary: Blaine Anderson is a new student as McKinley high after his parents move to the small town of Lima. On his first day he meets a stunning, pale boy named Kurt who has him falling head over heels in no time. But is everything as it seems? ghost!kurt AU where Kurt killed himself after NBK. TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR NONCON, SUICIDE & DEPRESSION
1. Prologue

**Hello! This is my new story and it's ghost!kurt and new kid!blaine. this chapter has major trigger warnings so if you want a summary i would be happy to send one to you. enjoy.**

* * *

Prologue

* * *

He'd been waiting for the perfect day. One that was stormy and dark for dramatic effect.

It was on November 15, 2010 that Kurt Hummel looked outside his bedroom window, just as he had for the past four days, and saw rain clouds. He smiled, though not in delight. It was a smile of grim determination. That was the day Kurt Hummel brought a gun to school.

* * *

_Shouts. The ringing of a fire alarm. A school in chaos._

"Police! Clear the area!" shouts a man in uniform, leaping out of his cruiser. A platoon of others follow suit. A squadron immediately begins leading panicked students away from the building as they set up a perimeter.

Whispers fly through the air as high schoolers wait in a park two blocks away from McKinley after being evacuated.

"What happened?"

"You didn't hear them?"

"There were gun shots."

"There was only one shot."

"Where?"

"Is anyone hurt?"

"I heard it was that Hummel kid."

"He was shooting?"

"Who at?"

"Why?"

"Does anyone know what's going on?"

"Hummel tried to shoot up the school."

"No way."

"Yeah I heard Mrs. Hudson talking. It's true."

"It's probably just a drill."

"How would he even get a gun in here?"

"Who's Hummel?"

"I don't know."

"I thought there was a fire."

"No no no, someone sent the school a fake bomb so they would have to evacuate us because of protocol."

"No way.

"I heard someone set the bathroom on fire because they had a test first period."

Rumors spread across the student body morphing as they go, nobody really sure of what's going on, everyone trying to find their friends and make sure they are o.k.

* * *

"Where's Kurt?" asks Rachel in her usual commanding tone, hands on her hips. Mercedes looks up from her phone, "I texted him but he didn't respond."

"Maybe he didn't come to school today?" suggests Mike.

"He wasn't in first period." Throws in Santana from where she sits braiding Brittany's hair.

"Hey do you guys know what happened?" asks Finn, escaping the mob known as the student body and joining his friends.

The group dissolves into chatter about rumors they've heard as to why they were evacuated, each less believable than the last, Kurt's whereabouts momentarily forgotten. It's no more than fifteen minutes later that they are told they could head home; school would be closed for a few days. Each member of the glee club goes their separate ways, looking forward to a few more hours sleep, although it might be hard. The rain clouds have passed by and it's looking to be a bright and sunny day.

* * *

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

"Hello?"

"_Good evening McKinley parents and students, this is Principal Figgins, calling to bring you important information. As you may know school was let out early today due to an evacuation. The school premises were made unsafe and it was necessary to send all students and faculty home. The event that occurred was one that is saddening to all in this school, and local community. A McKinley student, Kurt Hummel, brought a gun onto school grounds and committed suicide within the building. Our hearts go out to his friends and family and the loss will be felt by all of us. The lapse in security allowing for this weapon to be brought on campus without detection is being investigated and will be rectified. This is a dark day in McKinley history but as a community we can pull together and right these wron-"_

* * *

**so that was the prologue i hope you liked it. this story has certain similarities to Of Rocky Friendships and Finding Yourself (which is worth a read) in that it follows the basic plots of the show but as though there were a few things different (think of it as a parallel universe where Kurt and BLaine didn't meet and Blaine transfers to McKinley for his junior year for other reasons)**


	2. The Purple Piano Project

Chapter 2

* * *

Google Search: willam mckinley high school

_Did you mean: William McKinley High School_

About 1,960,000 results (0.42 seconds)

**William McKinley High School** Lima, Ohio- Named for the25th president of the United States of America **William McKinely High School** strives to create a welcoming and progressive environment for students and staff. …

Suicide of Ohio High School Student-(November 17, 2010) Two days ago 16 year old Kurt Hummel commit suicide within the premises of **William McKinely High School** to the shock of parents and staff…

* * *

**Monday the 27 of August, 2012, first day of school**

Blaine smirks looking around. He could totally handle this. He's the new and improved, out and proud popular kid now. At least he was at Dalton. I mean sure McKinley isn't going to be the same but high school is high school right? He can win these guys over in no time. I'll be right back on top he assures himself, even if you are the new kid. A small voice in the back of his head remarks that the walls here are the exact same uniform brick as those at Westerville East, which are coincidentally also used in prisons. He tells the voice to shut the fuck up. He's going to finish up high school here just as happily as he would if he were at Dalton, of that he he'll be sure. Whatever it takes he thinks, gritting his teeth and heading for the front entrance.

* * *

Three steps, that's all it takes. Three steps inside the building and he's hit with a wall of ice. It stings his eyes and trickles down his shirt. What the hell was that? He looks down at his absolute favorite outfit, red slacks, a black polo, and a matching bowtie. It's all covered in bright orange slushy that clashes with his skin pallet.

"Welcome to McKinley dork!" yells a voice, already halfway down the opposite hallway.

Blaine shakes his head and trudges down the hall to his to his locker, kids gaping at him. He looks down again self-consciously, not really sure what he's going to do about his clothes. Junior year's going to be just great, he can feel it. Or is that orange ice running down his back?

"Hey man are you o.k.?" asks a voice from behind him. Blaine turns and squints, corn syrup still in his eyes. There's a tall guy with black hair looking at him, smiling a little with pity.

"Um, I guess." laughs Blaine, trying to brush off the embarrassment. Just great.

"That was Azimio, he uh, likes to slushy people. If you want I have an extra shirt you can borrow."

Blaine gives him a genuine grin then, "I'm Blaine and thanks."

"Mike." The boy responds, "Here there's a bathroom this way.

Mike leads Blaine to a bathroom down the hall, where he splashes his face with some water from the sink while Mike grabs a checkered button down from his backpack.

"I think he got corn syrup in my contact" mutters Blaine taking it out. He sighs, removing the other and placing them both in a case.

"I guess I'll just have to stick with glasses today." he murmurs pulling some out of his back pack with thick black rims. He wrinkles his nose a little at his reflection in the mirror. He'd gelled his hair so perfectly and now look at it. Oh well. It would just have to be a curly day as well as a glasses day. He rinses the rest of the gel and ice out of his thick curls, trying to smooth it down in the process.

Mike smiles again. "Sorry about Azimio. Slushying happens less now than it used to but I think your private school look made it inevitable."

Blaine chuckles darkly at that. "Private school look?"

"Yeah you know. The bowtie, hair gel. It was bound to happen."

Blaine pulls his polo off over his head and exchanges it for Mike's shirt. "Thanks for helping man. I don't know what I would have done otherwise."

"Oh it was no trouble. It's happened to me enough times, being in glee."

Blaine raises a thick eyebrow "You're in the glee club?"

"Yeah." says Mike, voice getting a little guarded.

"I was lead singer of the Warblers at my old school! I-"

"You're Blaine Anderson! You guys beat us last year at regionals! Oh my god Rachel wouldn't shut up about you for weeks."

Blaine's mouth was open, about to speak, remembering the name of their glee club was New Directions, but Mike's comment makes him pause. "Wait what?"

"Oh Rachel's just a little obsessive. Don't worry about it. You should audition though. We'll probably have a meeting after school."

"Will I need to talk to your council before hand or..."

"We don't actually have a council but Mr. Schue will just let you try out."

"O.k. great. Thanks again Mike for the uh, shirt and everything."

"Yeah. Look I have to go but I'll see you later right?"

"Right."

Mike runs out the door, probably realizing that he only had a few minutes to get to class. Blaine just stares at his reflection in the mirror. It's a bitter sweet start to the year but he'll take it. Blaine exits the bathroom and realizes he's not sure where he is in relation to his locker. His eyes had been mostly closed because of the slushy earlier and now he's disoriented.

Blaine takes his schedule out of his pocket and looks at it, then up and down the hallway. He managed to find his locker but he hasn't got a clue where homeroom is. It's 216B, but why is there a B? Does that mean it's in a wing or something? Blaine looks around for someone who might be able to give him directions but the other students all seem pretty self-involved and he doesn't want to interrupt anyone's conversation. Then he sees him.

The boy is tall and lean with light brown, perfectly quaffed hair and beautifully pale skin that looks almost silky. The boy is radiant. Blaine can't help but walk over to him.

"Um excuse me, I'm new here and I was wondering if you could tell me where room 216B is?" asks Blaine, stopping the boy short.

His eyes widen and he looks around confused. After an awkwardly long moment he replies, "Hi I'm Kurt."

"Blaine." And wow, your voice is beautiful, did you fall from heaven because shit…

"I know a short cut." says Kurt, cutting into Blaine's silent appraisal of his appearance. He takes Blaine's hand and suddenly they're running down an empty hallway together. It feels like it lasts forever, but not long enough at the same time and it's such a bad cliché Blaine thinks he might laugh but then they've stopped outside room 216B and he wants to thank Kurt, but when he turns around the boy is already gone. Blaine looks up and down the hallway, confused as to how he disappeared so fast, but shrugs it off. He'd be sure to find and thank him later; right now he has his first class back in public school to focus on.

* * *

Blaine pokes his head through the door of the choir room and glances around. There's an eclectic group of kids sitting in plastic chairs and a guy (their director?) giving some sort of speech.

"Look guys I know last year was tough on all of us and we sort of fell apart leading up to regionals but we have talent. There's no reason we shouldn't make it to Nationals if we just rally together."

Blaine's not sure if this is the type of speech he should interrupt, but Mike does it for him.

"Blaine! Hey man you came."

Mike detaches himself from a pretty Asian chick (his girlfriend maybe?) and bounds over to Blaine dragging him into the room. Blaine smiles as Mike introduces him and starts rattling off everyone else's names. There are less of them than there are warblers but the variety and lack of uniforms make it seem like more. Is it just him, or is there a somber mood in the room? Blaine gives everyone a much closer once over than he did from the door. There's a tall guy, holding hands with a petite brunette, the Asian girl (who's crying?), a dude with a Mohawk, two cheerleaders, a nerdy looking guy in a wheel chair, a diva, Mike, and there in the very back, sits Kurt, looking slightly nervous but also happy. Immediately his brain short curcuits, making him miss whatever it is the teacher ( ?) is saying.

"Uh what?" he asks turning around. Wow, smooth Blaine.

"If you feel ready you can sing an audition song now but if not anytime this week would be fine." he repeats calmly. Mike is sitting back down and Blaine realizes the floor is his. Smiling, charm restored, he responds, "I've got something that'll do." and begins.

_You think I'm pretty without any makeup on_

_You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong_

As he sings he looks directly at Kurt. It's semi-unprofessional but the guy is gorgeous, how is Blaine meant to resist?

_Let's go all the way tonight no regrets just love_

_We can dance until we die you and I will be young forever_

When he finishes the other students break into clapping, clearly impressed. Blaine only notices Kurt, sitting in the far back, slowly clapping with the others, smirking a little in approval. Mr. Shue claps Blaine on the back, as impressed as his students, and welcomes him to glee club. Blaine grins and moves towards Kurt, wanting to sit next to him, but the two cheerleaders legs are crossed in the aisle so that it's awkward to step over so he settles for a chair a couple seats away.

Mr. Shue continues what he was saying earlier and Blaine doesn't really understand a lot of it because he keeps vaguely mentioning things that happened last year that Blaine doesn't know about, so he lets his mind wander a little. He's trying to come up with an excuse to look over his shoulder at Kurt but he gets distracted when three purple pianos get wheeled through the door. This certainly isn't Dalton, but everyone else looks confused as well, so it can't be a regular occurrence.

"You guys need an attitude adjustment. Something to help you move on, see there's good alongside the bad."

Blaine is still really confused.

"These purple pianos were donated to us. I'm going to place them around the school and whenever you see one, I want you to play a song, no matter what. It will brighten your day, and help us recruit some new members." Mr. Schue smiles kindly, and also sadly. "We're still 3 people down, so I want us attracting new people. We can pull through this year, I know it."

The meeting ends and Blaine takes a deliberately long time grabbing his bag, hoping to catch the boy on their way out, but when he looks up from putting his notebook away, Kurt is gone. He must have slipped away quickly without Blaine noticing. He shrugs it off. There'd be plenty of chances to ask him out for coffee.

* * *

As it turns out there don't seem to be many chances to speak with Kurt because he doesn't see him for the rest of the week. He does however perform with the New Directions for the first time. They're all sitting in the cafeteria, ignoring the purple piano when Rachel storms over telling them it's vital they perform. Nobody else wants to except for Finn who will agree with Rachel on just about everything.

"I think it'd be great if we perform in here." Blaine chips in, smiling. There are a few resigned sighs, but everyone gets on board. Finn looks a bit angry for some reason. They sing We Got the Beat and they're all amazing. Unfortunately it seems to start a food fight. Blaine looks down at another outfit, ruined.

* * *

The only other eventful thing to happen is Blaine finding Rachel sobbing in the choir room, like really sobbing. She has trouble giving him a coherent explanation and the only words he can make out are "Not even stuff, NYADA, community theater, and alone."

Blaine hasn't got a clue what to say. "You aren't alone, you've got Finn right?"

She cries even harder.

Blaine realizes he's got a lot to catch up on, but everybody speaks about the past years so vaguely…

* * *

voila! every time you review an angel gets its wings


	3. May 26, 2011

**Hey there! this is a fairly quick update but it's a very short chapter... anyway this is where dates come in to play and are pretty important. I advise you to read the quote at the beginning (this will be a recurring thing) though theoretically you don't have to.**

* * *

"_Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them."_

― George Orwell, 1984

* * *

Chapter 3

**May 26, 2011**

Kurt wanders down an empty hallway trailing his fingers over lockers. Sunlight filters through the windows catching on specks of dust that float through the air.

He walks to the doorway of the choir room, inspecting the stacked chairs and cover on the piano. Empty shelves, in an empty classroom in an empty school.

He takes an unnecessary breath and steels himself to enter the room. He can't do it. Even with no one there to bring memories to the forefront of his mind he can't do it.

He's in a different hallway and finds that someone has left a window open. He approaches it, not feeling scared. A slight breeze greets him and he hardly feels the way it caresses his skin.

That's the thing though, about being dead. It's hard to feel. It's not unwelcome the absence. His mind and body are like two detached things. Well his body isn't even _really_ a thing. It's good though, that's all Kurt knows.

He's both going insane from having nothing but his own company and joy from not having anyone else's.

He's lost in the endlessness of purgatory.

* * *

**Like I said it's short. Please please please leave reviews because people generally judge fics off of how many they have and yeah get pumped because this story is gonna get crazy!**


	4. I Am Unicorn

Chapter 4

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Google Search: How to make friends at a new school

About 959,000,000 results (0.23 seconds)

**How to Make Friends at a New School**: 13 steps (with pictures)– **How to Make Friends at a New School**. It's hard to start going to a **new school**. Everything seems to be so weird, and you don't know which ...

**How To Make Friends at a New School**, Adjusting to a New School- You're about to start a** new school** and want to** make friends** there. What do you do? Here are some tips on how to meet people and **make friends** at a new ...

* * *

**September 27, 2011**

"Mmmm so Blaine is pretty cute." admonishes Tina, watching him get in the lunch line with Mike.

"He sure is." agrees Mercedes, "Although he could be taller…"

"Please, that boy screams virgin with a capital V." puts in Santana, looking over her shoulder at him. He's also as gay as the fourth of July, but she doesn't say that out loud. He hasn't mentioned it, so neither would she.

Mercedes snorts, "I'm sure you'd love to change that."

"If I weren't dating Finn, he'd certainly be my first choice, though his taste in music leaves something to be desired." Is Rachel's opinion on the subject. Finn looks kind of pissed and Santana is surprised Berry hadn't picked up on the rainbow vibe the boy practically radiates, but again, chooses to keep her mouth shut. Rachel delicately raises an eyebrow. She'd thought everyone knew Blaine was gay, but apparently not. If they didn't know then she wouldn't be the first to say by any means. That was his to share. Just then Mike and Blaine, who had become close very fast walk up to the table.

"Hey guys" greets Blaine, sliding into a seat next to Brittany, who just stares at him. "We need a unicorn for president." She murmurs eyes wide at though she's come to an amazing realization. Everyone looks at her for a moment, then continues their conversations. Apparently Brittany saying things like that is a fairly common occurrence.

"Well I'm certainly very excited for West Side Story, despite it having amateur directors." voices Rachel, changing the subject. Artie pretends he isn't offended by the statement, staring at the table.

"I'm clearly the obvious choice for Maria, but there are so many songs I could sing for my audition. I could do Somewhere There's a Place for Us, which is admittedly rather hard, and I suppose I Feel Pretty would work well…" she trails off, pulling out a notebook and scribbling down her thoughts.

"Are you going to audition?" Blaine asks Mike, "You could be Tony."

Mike laughs good naturedly, "I dance, I don't sing. You could audition though. Right now the field for him is wide open."

"You know I think I will. West Side Story is one of my favorite musicals. I'm a junior though; Tony should go to a senior."

"Yeah that is how it usually works." speaks up Finn for the first time.

"Are you going to audition?" asks Mercedes, looking over at him.

"Probably not. I have glee, football and I'm working part time."

Rachel looks put out for a moment but then turns back to Blaine. "Audition for Tony, you'd be amazing opposite my Maria."

Finn purses his lips.

"You know I've had enough of you acting like you have that roll already, I'm auditioning for it too and I have just as much talent as you." boasts Mercedes.

The table erupts with people talking about whom should audition, what song they should sing, who will get each roll, who _should_ get each roll. It'll very loud and dramatic, something Blaine can't say he's used to.

* * *

Blaine volunteered for booty camp in the meeting, thinking it might be good to catch up with the New Directions' style. Now he's standing in the choir room in some workout clothes trying to follow as Mike and Mr. Schue do a set of complicated, synchronized steps.

He gets it pretty quickly actually and Mike seems impressed.

"It's very different from the Warblers but I think I'm getting the hang of it." He says, panting slightly when Mike walks over and stretches next to him at the end of rehearsal.

"You did well. You probably won't need to come to all of these if you don't want to."

Blaine smiles. "Thanks, but I think I will. It's good just to practice."

"O.k. The other thing is the guys are planning on hanging out tomorrow night. You know chill, play video games. You can come if you want."

Blaine's face lights up immediately. "Yeah sounds great."

"Cool."

Blaine celebrates on the inside. He misses hanging out with the Warblers, but this would be a great chance to get closer with the glee guys.

Then out of nowhere this blond chick walks in and says she's coming back to glee. Everyone is excited and welcomes her to the club and Blaine just smiles, pretending to know what's going on.

The real question is where did Kurt go? Blaine hasn't seen him in any more glee meetings and only in a hallway once. He'd been running late for class, and Blaine hadn't gotten a chance to stop and talk to him. It seems stupid, wanting so badly to find this boy he's barley spoken to but he can't help it. Kurt's intriguing and different and Blaine can't quite explain it, but he can't stop thinking about him and honestly it's starting to drive him crazy.

* * *

Blaine watches as Kurt sings. He's beautiful, and not just mildly so. It's a knock your socks off kind of beautiful that makes you think you'd be happy to just stare at him for eternity and that's all you'll ever need. He also has some kind of aura, like he's visibly glowing, drawing Blaine to him.

_You bet yer last dime _

_In all of the world so far_

_I am the greatest, greatest star!_

Blaine claps as Kurt finishes the song. He's leaning against the wall off stage right and Kurt whips around surprisingly fast. "I didn't hear you come in." he says, blushing a little. Blaine smiles, "I only caught the second half, but you're amazing. Really amazing."

"Thanks." Kurt recovers quickly from the shock of being caught singing and looks cool and composed.

Blaine puts his hands in his pockets, and wanders across the stage to where Kurt is standing.

"Are you practicing for anything in particular?" he asks, thoughts of his audition for Tony in about an hour at the forefront of his mind. Kurt would probably make a great Tony and the idea of him taking the lead immediately fills his head.

"Oh, no just" he swallows, looking maybe a little sad, but mostly angry "just singing for fun I guess." Although it didn't sound like he'd been having much fun. Blaine had never heard a more melancholy version of I'm the Greatest Star. It didn't make it any less good, just different, much like the boy singing it.

Blaine nods. "You haven't been back to glee club."

Kurt shakes his head, looking at the floor. "I don't know why I even showed up in the first place. It was a mistake."

"But you're so good at singing. You should come back and meet everyone!"

There's just something about Kurt.

Kurt narrows his eyes. "Nobody's mentioned me then?"

Blaine is as confused as ever. "Why would they mention you?"

That seems to set something off. The wall of composure falls, Kurt's eyes start tearing up and before Blaine can decide if a hug would be too forward he's heading towards the exit. "Wait Kurt, I don-"

"Blaine, look, I- Don't tell anyone about this o.k.? I'm here most of the time if you need me." And with that he's gone, getting choked up on tears as he finishes.

Blaine sighs in frustration. There's so much he doesn't understand.

* * *

Kurt bangs his head against a wall. There's so much he doesn't understand. Why is he still here being the constant underlying one. More importantly at the moment is why Blaine can see him. It's starting to turn into a real issue, especially if he says something about their encounter to anyone else. Kurt bangs his head against the wall again. The pain barely registers. He's gone since his death in November of last year without anyone seeing him except Brittany once. In fact he didn't even realize there was a possibility of people seeing him without his effort to make it possible. That is until Blaine pulled him aside in the hallway on the first day of school. It was the single most shocking, terrifying, amazing, electrifying experience of his death to be honest. He doesn't know what to do.

On one hand someone can see him. The idea of being able to talk to someone is so tempting it's painful. On the other hand he's dead. If other people start seeing him it wouldn't end well. Everyone here, save Blaine, knows who he is. Was. What if _he_ starts seeing Kurt. Fear truly grips hi for the first time since his death. He bangs his head against the wall again.

Singing had felt interesting. He's rusty but it's been months. Everything is so weird suddenly.

He's sitting with the legs pulled up to his stomach against the back of the projection room. It's dusty and underused as barely anyone ever comes in. The door is locked, but Kurt never uses the door to enter. It has a view of the auditorium and the whole stage where… Kurt cuts off his train of thought, not wanting to go there again.

None of the glee clubbers had mentioned what happened at all. Not one of them. Another head bang. Stupid stupid stupid. He hasn't had a real conversation with anyone in so long it was difficult to keep his thoughts and words coherent. Then a wave of emotion had to overtake him. Stupid. Another head bang. Stupid. Bang. Stupid. Bang. Then he hears the sound of someone singing. He stands up slowly, dusting himself off. Just because he's a ghost or whatever doesn't mean he can't look presentable, and walks over to the window that looks out on the stage. Blaine is auditioning for West Side Story and he's doing amazingly.

_It may come cannonballing down through the sky,_

_Gleam in its eye,_

_Bright as a rose,_

_Who knows?_

_It's only just out of reach,_

_Down the block, on a beach,_

_Under a tree,_

_I got a feeling there's a miracle due,_

_Gonna come true,_

_Coming to me!_

Kurt smiles and it doesn't feel forced. He hasn't smiled in a while now that he thinks about it. Not that time matters anymore. Kurt was actually shocked when students started pouring through the doors for the start of the school year. He'd had no idea how much time had passed since the building grew quite for the summer.

He watches as Blaine finishes Something's Coming and is practically handed the part on a silver platter. Kurt feels irrationally proud. He hadn't disappeared or truly regretted anything upon entering the choir room, so maybe he could slip into a few more glee club meetings. If Blaine would be there.

* * *

"Oh fuck!" yells Puck, furiously punching buttons on his games controller. His character on the screen ducks and rolls behind a wall, Finn's guy shooting fruitlessly after him. The glee guys are all hanging out in Mike's basement, playing Modern Warfare 3 on a huge flat screen. There are empty liters of soda and pizza boxes strewn across the room. Finn and Puck both end up dying via grenade and Mike and Blaine win. They fist pound, keeping their title as undefeated champions of the night. Their team name is Asian Persuasion, but to Blaine's surprise none of the other guys make fun of them.

From what experience he's had with public school guys he's expecting at least a few gay jokes, but not a single one comes his way. It's weird, not bad but weird. He's eating a slice of pizza as they all take a break from the video game to eat some more. He watches as Puck and Artie pass a bowl back and forth, then Mike takes a seat on the carpet next to him. They sit in silence for a moment, watching the other guys smoke. Normally Mike wouldn't let drugs in his house as he doesn't even smoke himself, but his parents went out to dinner and wouldn't be home for a few more hours.

"What's up?" asks Mike. It's not that he's trying to force conversation but Blaine has seemed a little lost the past few days. Blaine thinks for a moment.

_Why shouldn't I just ask him about Kurt?_

_He said not to mention your conversation to anyone_

_But Mike's cool_

_What could he be hiding?_

"Oh, just nervous I guess. The set list for West Side goes up on Monday."

Mike scoffs, "You're definitely going to get Tony. Don't even worry about it."

Blaine smiles. "Thanks. I'll probably still worry, but it's nice to know you have faith in me."

"Totally man. You're a great performer. I bet all the chicks want you." He replies, punching Blaine lightly in the arm, probably trying to make the mood less somber. Blaine spits out the soda he'd been swallowing. Mike looks startled and the other guys turn to look at Blaine who is trying not to laugh.

"You all right?" asks Mike, confused.

"Yeah sorry it's just…" Blaine lets out a laugh, "yeah chicks want me, but I don't, you know want them."

Blaine's still trying not to giggle. He had no clue the other guys didn't know he was gay, but on second thought, it hadn't ever come up. He figured they'd noticed him singing to Kurt in his audition, but they could all just have really terrible gaydars he supposes.

The guys all look at him confused. "Ohhh." Says Mike after an awkward pause. "Oh that makes so much sense."

Puck and Artie only take another moment to catch on. "Oh." They say, then look at each other and start laughing. They're both pretty high at this point. Finn still looks confused. "What?" he asks, eyes blood shot.

"I'm gay." Says Blaine, looking him in the eye, seeing that Finn's brain slows down a bit when on pot. Blaine's kind of glad he doesn't smoke, the other guys seem to be pretty out of it and are stuffing their faces.

"Alright." Is all he says in response before shoving another slice of pizza in his mouth. Blaine looks around. That's actually probably the smoothest coming out he's ever done. It was great with his friends at Dalton, but that had ended with him being tackled on the floor by blazer clad boys and Nick giving him dating advice at the same time as Jeff tried to give him sex advice which had only stopped when Blaine had forcibly pushed them from his room. This was much calmer, although the second hand smoke certainly wasn't hurting.

The guys go back to what they were doing, leaving Mike and Blaine to continue their talk.

"I bet all the dudes dig you." Mike amends his earlier statement. Blaine shrugs.

"There was this one guy Trent who had this weird hero worship of me, but he wasn't really my type."

Mike nods knowingly. "Like two years ago Santana kept coming on to me because I was on the football team, but I'm not really into cheerleader chicks."

Blaine nods. "Jocks aren't really my thing, which is sort of the equivalent. Soccer guys are alright I guess, but too much muscle is not good."

Mike raises an eyebrow. "Really? Tina is super into my abs." he says proudly. "Well yeah abs are different." Blaine snorts as though that should be obvious.

The conversation dissolves as they all gear up for another round of shooting each other. Blaine wonders if he could have asked about Kurt. It'd be cool to know some more about him from an outside source, but the boy had said not to mention there conversation to anyone. The conversation goes around again in his head never reaching a satisfying conclusion. Maybe the glee kids don't like him, thinks Blaine, trying to come up with a good reason for it. Blaine resolves to find Kurt again soon and talk to him. He's determined to figure this whole thing out.

* * *

**every time you review dean eats a pie**


	5. May 17, 2011

Chapter 5

* * *

"_Nobody wants to be here and nobody wants to leave." _

― Cormac McCarthy, The Road

* * *

**May 17, 2011**

Kurt wanders the halls as the school year draws to an end.

He watches Karofsky pass and although he doesn't have a heartbeat he's sure that if he did it wouldn't have sped up.

He's tired of being angry

Of being sad

Of being scared

Of being lost

Of being alone

He almost wishes he could sleep

And never wake up

He thinks of seeing his friends graduate

He's torn

He's tired


	6. Asian F

**IMPORTANT UPDATE:** hello! ok so I have completely changed the planned ending of this fic because of reasons. What that means is I had to go back and make some minor alterations to previous chapters. If you don't want to go back and re-read them that's fine. The only major differences are **I added something to the begining of ch.2 and ch.4 **so that's all you really need to look at.

* * *

Chapter 6

* * *

Google Search: Kurt Hummel

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Suicide of Ohio High School Student-(November 17, 2010) Two days ago 16 year old **Kurt Hummel** commit suicide within the premises of William McKinely High School to the shock of parents and staff…

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* * *

**October 4, 2011**

Mike groans as he leaves the football meeting, not sure how he's possibly going to balance his schedule now. If he falls behind any more in AP Chemistry he's screwed, if he can't teach the whole football team to dance he's screwed, if he can't teach the whole Glee club to dance he's screwed.

He bangs his head against his locker door when he reaches it, something that doesn't help his headache much.

"You okay?" asks Blaine as he stops by his own locker, looking concerned.

"No not really." Mike admits as he grabs some books and closes his locker door. He turns and leans back against the wall, waiting for Blaine to get the rest of his stuff.

"I take it the meeting with your father and Principal Figgins didn't go too well?" Blaine enquires as he snaps his messenger bag shut.

They begin walking towards the cafeteria, "My dad thinks I'm either on drugs or need to quit Glee to keep my grades up." He confides as they pass a couple football players.

Blaine chuckles until he realizes Mike is dead serious. "Wow that's pretty harsh." He acknowledges. The two friends take seats next to Puck and Brittany who are trying to figure out their homework at the Glee club's usual table.

"If there's anything I can do to help just let me know okay." He tells his closest friend. Mike nods glumly, picking at his food.

Blaine looks up from his pack lunch and glances around the cafeteria, though not with much hope. Looking for Kurt around the school is something he'd started doing the previous week. At this point though he's almost positive Kurt never eats in the cafeteria, as he's never seen him there once. But then he does. Blaine notices the mysterious boy walking quickly through the courtyard. Blaine stands up to follow him, not thinking.

"Blaine what are you doing?" asks Mike, but the shorter boy doesn't hear him as he exits the lunchroom in pursuit. It's the first time he's seen Kurt in a couple of days, though he doesn't really understand how that's possible. McKinley is small for a public school and everyone seems to know just about everyone else. Also Kurt and his tall elegance stand out around the rest of this drab school Blaine thinks, with maybe a slight snobbish air, so he should be doubly visible.

Either way Blaine has a pretty clear idea of where Kurt is headed. He'd definitely turned down the hallway leading to the auditorium and isn't that where Kurt had told him he usually was?

Blaine pushes open the heavy door to the largest room in the school. It's completely silent inside, with not even the soft rustle of clothing or breathing disturbing the air. There are only a few dim lights on, but across the rows of seats Blaine can see Kurt sitting cross legged and center stage.

The door bangs shut and Blaine winces, mad at himself for disrupting the quiet peace of the room.

Kurt on the other hand full on jumps at the sudden noise, face flashing from terror, to anger, to sadness, to confusion all in the span of a second. Blaine furrows his brow and moves out of the shadows towards the lights on stage. Kurt slowly sinks back down into his sitting position.

"Oh, um sorry if I interrupted you or anything." Blaine apologizes, face flushing. He makes his way towards the stage, Kurt's eyes following him.

Blaine curses himself mentally for not thinking about the fact that maybe Kurt didn't want to be found.

"I can leave if you want to be alone." He adds on, hoping Kurt won't tell him to actually leave.

The ghost thinks. A conversation sounds amazing right now, but all of the things he wants to talk about are things he can't talk about. In the end he doesn't say anything.

Blaine, taking the silence as confirmation, walks onto the stage and sits down next to him.

"Why don't I ever see you in the hallways or classes?" he asks, the confusion evident in his voice.

Kurt frowns. He's just so out of practice at this. He needs to lie, that's right. _How can I come up with a convincing lie quickly_? "I'm a senior so I'm only in a few classes to get the credit I need to graduate."

Blaine nods, understanding and Kurt gives himself a high-five on the inside for keeping up.

"What colleges are you looking at?" he questions.

"I haven't given it all that much thought. If I could, I would go to a school with a great theater program." He admits smiling almost nostalgically.

"Well why can't you?"

"Did I say 'if I could' I meant I will."

"There's a girl in glee that's looking at NYADA. It's in New York; you should ask her about it. It's supposed to have a great theater program."

Kurt's heart doesn't know what to do. He's half happy that there's this sweet new guy who's trying to help him pick out a college despite barely knowing him and the other half wants to crumble and cry because he's dead and maybe he shouldn't be but he's not sure and-

Blaine reaches a hand out and wipes the tear from Kurt's cheek. "I'm sorry." He murmurs though he's not sure what he's apologizing for.

Kurt tries to laugh it off and shakes his head. "No you haven't done anything but be nice to me. Look I'm an emotional wreck with a lot of baggage. Do yourself a favor and don't try getting to know me."

Blaine looks hurt, but Kurt knows he's doing the right thing by distancing himself. Now all he has to do it avoid him for a while until Blaine's found some other basket case to busy himself with. _Stupid ghost whisperer person._

Kurt gets up to leave, but Blaine reaches an arm out and stops him. Kurt flinches a little, but stops trying to escape.

"Everyone has baggage. I have more than you would believe. It's just you seem so lonely and I thought maybe you'd want to go out for coffee sometime?" His voice goes up at the end making it seem like a question, voice laced with hope.

Kurt can't believe what he's hearing. Is this guy really asking him out on a date? Like all the hot, dapper, gay kids come along _after_ he's dead. Kurt is truly torn. Going out for coffee is something that would involve leaving McKinley. That's not something Kurt thinks he can do. He also really doesn't want to ruin Blaine by making him think that them becoming a thing is a possibility. Because it's not. Kurt would never do that to someone. Ever.

"Meet me here after school." He says, before standing and leaving quickly, his footsteps not making a sound.

* * *

Blaine is in a daze all through Brittany's assembly where she sings "Run the World (Girls)" and everyone gets really worked up. Kurt said yes. Blaine is excited and maybe it's not very rational because hey, he could end up hating the guy, but Blaine likes to think he's got pretty good gut instincts and Kurt just feels right.

He runs out after school and finds the one and only florist in Lima, Ohio. It's small with not much of a selection but he picks out a beautiful bouquet of red and yellow roses, hoping Kurt won't think they're tacky.

* * *

Kurt paces the stage restlessly. He should have said no. This can't end well. What if Blaine finds out? What if he thinks he's gone insane? Everything could go wrong. Kurt takes a deep breath and pulls himself together. Maybe Blaine won't show up. That's it. He'll realize he made a terrible mistake, stand him up and then Kurt can go back to his peaceful life of walking on people's desks without them noticing.

At that moment Blaine shows up, holding a bouquet and two cups of coffee, looking nervous, but excited.

Kurt can't help the soaring feeling in his chest. Despite his reservations he's glad Blaine showed up.

They talk for hours. The topics range from politics, which Kurt managed to keep on top of from sitting in on a few political science and AP Human Geography classes throughout the last year, to vogue, something they both love, to their favorite Broadway musicals. They debate about pop artists, vintage cars and whether bowties are cool. It's amazing and Kurt feels his people skills getting better as the conversation moves forward, while Blaine feels like he's getting so much off his chest getting to talk to someone after the move and tough first weeks at public school. The connection is obvious to both parties.

Eventually though the conversation moves to glee club, which is something of an inevitability.

"Why don't you come back to glee?" asks Blaine during a lull in the conversation. Kurt sighs. He'd known this question was coming but hoped it wouldn't never the less. Thus far he'd avoided lying almost entirely, unless you count the biggest lie of omission ever in not mentioning the fact that he's dead. He never said he was alive either but still.

Kurt sighs contemplating a reasonable answer.

"The glee kids and me, we go back, but something changed. I needed to escape. I couldn't just- I couldn't-" Kurt can feel tears coming again but he really doesn't want to stop now that he's started. He swallows back the sob, determined to give Blaine an answer. "I needed to get out. They wouldn't have understood so I just left. We don't interact anymore which is probably all for the best."

Blaine gives him a confused look. "Sometimes they mention last year like something really serious went down. Did it have to do with you?"

Kurt looks like he's in pain talking about this but Blaine thinks maybe it's for the best to get things out in the open.

"Things about last year probably do have to do with me but please don't ask them about it. What's in the past is done; none of us want to dwell on it anymore."

Blaine looks frustrated with all the vague answers but senses it would be dangerous to keep bothering Kurt about everything.

He sighs, "Well we really could use your voice, but I guess you know more about all of this than me."

Kurt smiles sadly, "Don't mention me to anyone in the club okay? Attending the first meeting was risky and honestly if you mention me again they'll probably stop talking to you."

Blaine shakes his head like he disagrees, but eventually promises not to tell anyone.

The topic moves on. Both boys talk about their families, Blaine with mild distaste, Kurt with extreme care. When he talks about how great his dad is his eyes start brimming with tears again and Blaine wonders if everything is a trigger for him.

"You act like you haven't seen him a year." He jokes, nudging Kurt's arm and giving him his crinkly eyed smile. Kurt chuckles without humor. "I'm sure I do." is all he says in response.

Finally Blaine looks down at his watch and raises his eyebrows. "Crap it's 6:30." He moans. I still have to go home to practice my glee assignment and do homework. Kurt frowns, knowing the conversation is drawing to its close.

Blaine stand up, brushing off his pants, and holds out his arm for Kurt to grab. The taller boy does and they link arms, moving in a complementary fashion similar to that of an old married couple. Kurt walks with Blaine to the edge of the stage but then stops.

"I'm afraid I'm leaving you here." He says, "I'm going to stay for a while longer, maybe sing a few solos."

Blaine nods and then smiles. "It's been a pleasure Mr. Hummel and I hope we can do it again soon. Maybe on Wednesday?" he asks. Kurt grins and nods, glad that he didn't scare off the quite new kid from the first date. Blaine's smile widens and he allows his hand to run down Kurt's arm and into the other boy's palm. "Is it okay if I kiss you goodbye?" he asks, not wanting to risk anything nonconsensual happening. Kurt looks shocked, but nods again. Blaine places a soft, chaste kiss on Kurt's cheek, remaining ever the gentleman, squeezes the other boy's pale hand then exits the auditorium.

* * *

Ta-da! I hope you guys liked the actual klaine interaction :) remember **ch.2 and ch.4 have new stuff at the begging** so you might want to go back and look at those.

every time you review McGonagall says something sassy


	7. May 10, 2011

"_Thomas Edison's last words were 'It's very beautiful over there'. I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful." _

― John Green, Looking for Alaska

* * *

**May 10, 2011**

_Maybe this is purgatory_

_Maybe I'll go somewhere else eventually_

_Ugh_

_I'm not sure if that'd be good or bad_

_I'd be wrong about the whole afterlife thing_

_And being wrong sucks_

_But so does this_

Kurt has his hands pressed against the glass front doors again. It's starting to become a habit.

_Maybe I have agoraphobia_

_I don't know how much longer I can stand this_

* * *

**every time you review the doctor calls the tardis sexy**


	8. PSA

Hey. So obviously it's been a truly absurd amount of time since I updated. To me this fic is abandoned and I know many who read this probably think of it that way as well.

I realized recently when I was cleaning out some files that I actually have all of the Kurt chapters finished, just not the Blaine pov ones which were longer and more complex to write. If anyone wants them I could post the rest of the Kurt pov chapters in the order I originally intended, though Blaine wouldn't be in them… If anyone is interested just let me know.


	9. May 3, 2011

"_For the first time, he heard something that he knew to be music. He heard people singing. Behind him, across vast distances of space and time, from the place he had left, he thought he heard music too. But perhaps, it was only an echo." _

― Lois Lowry, The Giver

* * *

**May 3, 2011**

Kurt looks at the Choir room

The auditorium

The projection room

The gym

He finds himself outside the locker room

Maybe that's it

If he steps inside there

He'll dissolve for good

He can't

He chokes on fear

Kurt walks back to the glass front doors and looks at the world

It's a windy day

He could just get blown away if he steps outside

Maybe

He finds himself outside the choir room again

Longing to go in

Maybe he could speak to someone

He could try making himself visible again

He hears them singing but it's like he's miles away

He wants to join in

But he hasn't been able to sing since

Since November 9, 2010


	10. April 26, 2011

"_You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." _

― Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

**April 26, 2011**

Kurt almost regrets it

_Almost_

Rachel stares at herself in the mirror

Kurt stares at her too

He doesn't show up in the reflection

Something he hadn't even noticed before

"Don't do it Rachel." He murmurs

She doesn't need a nose job the same way Kurt doesn't need a reflection

He's free of that


	11. April 19, 2011

"_What is the point of worrying oneself too much about what one could or could not have done to control the course one's life took? Surely it is enough that the likes of you and I at least try to make our small contribution count for something true and worthy. And if some of us are prepared to sacrifice much in life in order to pursue such aspirations, surely that in itself, whatever the outcome, cause for pride and contentment." _

― Kazuo Ishiguro, The Remains of the Day

**April 19, 2011**

Kurt goes to the Night of Neglect

At first he laments that he can't sing because let's face it he was totally a neglected artist

Then he laughs

Then he grimaces


	12. March 15, 2011

"_How guilt refined the methods of self-torture, threading the beads of detail into an eternal loop, a rosary to be fingered for a lifetime." _

― Ian McEwan, Atonement

**March 15, 2011**

The New Directions bomb regionals

The Suicide Prevention assembly has Kurt fresh on their minds

He should be there with them

When they win third for the second year in a row nobody is surprised

Sectionals was won with intense emotion

Regionals is lost with the lack thereof

Kurt almost goes to see them perform

He followed them from the choir room to the front door

He walked next to Tina and his heart broke when she turned and looked directly through him

He knew she couldn't see him

But he couldn't help but say

"Have fun today Tina."

And smiling

They opened the door and marched out

Kurt was left behind


	13. March 8, 2011

"_Once there was a tree... and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree...very much. And the tree was happy._

_But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy"_

_"I am too big to climb and play", said the boy. "I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?" "I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money, I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy." And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy._

_But the boy stayed away for a long time.. and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy." "I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I want a house to keep me warm," he said. "I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?" "I have no house," said the tree. "The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy." And the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy._

_But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. "Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play." "I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "I want a boat that take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?" "Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree. "Then you can sail away... and be happy." And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy..._

_but not really. And after a long time the boy came back again. "I am sorry, Boy," said the tree,_

_"but I have nothing left to give you-" "My apples are gone." "My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy. "My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them-" "I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy. "My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb-" "I am too tired to climb," said the boy. "I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something- but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump." "I don't need very much now," said the boy. "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired." "Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy."_

-Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

**March 8, 2011**

Burt sits in the kitchen staring at the glass of warm milk on his counter.

It's been months, but sometimes when he can't sleep Burt makes himself a glass of warm milk.

He can't stand the stuff

But it reminds him of Kurt.


	14. February 22, 2011

"_One never learns how the witch became wicked, or whether that was the right choice for her- is it ever the right choice? Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil?" _

― Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

**February 22, 2011**

"Ahem. Welcome to the annual McKinley Suicide Prevention Assembly." Says Principal Figgins, speaking into the mic, "We were struck by tragedy earlier in the school year and we would like to act in advance to prevent further inciden-"

Kurt turns and runs from the auditorium. He had told himself earlier he would stand and watch. Make sure they did a good job but he can't.

He sits on the floor outside hyperventilating.

_In_

_Out_

_In_

_Out_

He calms down

_They're all going to sit looking remorseful_

_The school of people who hated him_

_And those who didn't stand up for him when he needed it_

_And **him**_

_He's in there listening_

_And knowing_

Kurt walks away and doesn't look back

Even when he hears Rachel singing Defying Gravity in his honor.


	15. February 15, 2011

_"I would rather not have upset him, but I couldn't see any reason to change my life. Looking back on it, I wasn't unhappy. When I was a student, I had lots of ambitions like that. But when I had to give up my studies I learned very quickly that none of it really mattered."_

Albert Camus, The stranger

**February 15, 2011**

Kurt stands in the doorway of the choir room again.

Mr. Schue is saying they need to make a comeback.

A comeback from what?

From Kurt

From what he did to them

Kurt stares at the floor and thinks about going inside

Just one step

Into his safe haven

He shakes his head

He can't

He knows the moment he enters the room

He'll regret everything

He can't afford to regret dying


	16. February 8, 2011

_"Certain things they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that's impossible, but it's too bad anyway"_

-J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

**February 8, 2011**

Kurt looks through the big glass doors.

Everything is out there.

He hasn't left the building in months.

He's not sure he wants to.

He presses his palms against the glass and smushes his face against it. He likes that he doesn't leave any breath marks or fingerprints.

_Maybe I should step outside_

_What if I disappear_

_Wouldn't that be a good thing?_

_I don't know anymore_


	17. February 6, 2011

"_Atticus said to Jem one day, "I'd rather you shot at tin cans in the backyard, but I know you'll go after birds. Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird." That was the only time I ever heard Atticus say it was a sin to do something, and I asked Miss Maudie about it. "Your father's right," she said. "Mockingbirds don't do one thing except make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corn cribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird." _

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

**February 6, 2011**

Kurt watches from the hallway as the football team dance in his choir room.

_His_ choir room

He watches as Finn talks to Karofsky

As he tries to make friends with him

Karofsky who-

Kurt fumes

_He gets to live_

_I don't_

_He killed me_

_He killed me_

_He killed a mockingbird_

Kurt dissolves


	18. December 7, 2010

_"Which instigates the moral reflection that life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and smiles, with sniffles predominating."_

- O. Henry, "The Gift of the Magi"

**December 7, 2010**

Kurt sits cross-legged in the projection room.

It's a little dusty, but out of the way so nobody's likely to walk through him, something that's become a pet peeve of his.

He breaths in

Then out

It's an exercise he's taken to doing despite not needing to breathe anymore.

In

Out

He's calm.

He didn't mess anything up.

His father and Carol are engaged

The glee club managed a tie at sectionals

Everyone is moving on

_Except me_

_In _

_Out_

_In_

_Out_

Calm.

* * *

"Santa I want Kurt to come back for Christmas."

"Well, Brittany who's Kurt."

"A friend of mine."

"Where did he go?"

"I-I'm not sure…"

"Ho-ho, well don't worry, I'll make sure he finds his way back to you."

A tear runs down Mercedes cheek. Tina buries her head in Mike's shoulder. Rachel crosses her arms over her chest and blinks rapidly.

Artie can only think of all the times he didn't talk to him. Didn't make sure everything was going o.k.

Brittany smiles because Santa Claus will make everything better.

The hustle and bustle of the shopping mall continue, unaware.

* * *

"How are we supposed to explain to Brittany that Kurt's not coming back _and_ Santa's not real at once? It will break her heart." murmurs Artie.

He's talking to Tina in the hallway before class.

Kurt stops and listens.

Tina shakes her head. If she speaks her voice will crack and she'll start crying again.

Artie shakes his head in defeat.

They'd all pulled through for Sectionals, dedicating their songs to Kurt and singing with such raw emotion they'd been a shoe in for Regionals.

Now the shock is wearing off and the dull thrum of pain has settled in everyone's hearts. It thumps whenever they realize Kurt is gone for good.

They head to class.

* * *

"Shuffle on home Brittany." smiles Sue the Grinch, sending her on her way. Brittany leaves "Santa" to do his job.

She stops short, mouth falling open in surprise when she sees Kurt.

"Kurt! Santa brought you home!" she yells.

Kurt holds a finger up to his mouth, telling her to keep quiet.

"Hey Britt." He greets. It's weird. He has to concentrate every fiber of his being on staying present.

"Kurt where have you been?" she asks, hugging him. He feels himself flicker.

"I'm gone now Brittany. Santa brought me here to see you but I can't come back ever again."

"Why?" she asks, looking at the floor.

"I can't stay here. I-I'm in a better place." He hears himself saying, though that's not strictly true. Then he's gone.

Nobody can help but cry when Brittany swears Santa brought Kurt to see her. Not even Kurt from his spot in the doorway.


	19. November 30, 2010

_"I'm gonna show you and everybody else that Willy Loman did not die in vain. He had a good dream. It's the only dream you can have - to come out number-one man. He fought it out here, and this is where I'm gonna win it for him."  
- Arthur Miller, __Death of a Salesman__, Act 2_

**November 30, 2010**

Kurt frowns, peering through the door of the choir room. It's so quiet. Everyone sits around, not talking.

_It's my fault_

_I messed up their lives_

_I can't even die right_

_Shut up_

_If they can't handle it it's their problem_

_Not yours_

_You've got your own shit to deal with _

_What like vanishing from existence at random moments?_

_Well, yes_

_Also developing multiple personas to keep myself occupied as I can't talk to anyone_

_You'd think there'd be at least one other ghost around here_

A shudder passes through Kurt's "body" rattling his form

Karofsky

Kurt glares at him

Sometimes he regrets taking only one bullet with him to school

The way he walks around the school like he's done nothing wrong

That's the one good thing though

He can't reach Kurt anymore

He's safe

Suddenly the glee clubbers are getting up and heading towards the door. At first Kurt thinks they might confront Karofksy and figure out what he did, but it's just time to head for sectionals.

"Good luck." Kurt whispers as they pass, hoping he didn't make it impossible for them to ever win again.

Rachel tenses and looks over her shoulder like she might have heard, but shakes it off and keeps walking.


	20. November 23, 2010

"_because wherever I sat- on the deck of a ship or a street café in Paris or Bangkok, I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar stewing in my own sour air." _

-Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

**November 23, 2010**

Kurt opens his eyes and sees he's not in the projection room any longer. He's standing in the arts hallway, students rushing to get to class before the bell rings all around him. Nobody notices the practically translucent boy standing in their midst.

_Laughter_

_Chatting_

_Life_

Kurt's eyes widen.

_Life_

_Death_

_His personal bell jar_

_It's gone_

_But only in death_

**November 15, 2010**

Kurt pulls his knees up against his chest as he leans against the back wall of the projection room. He wants to cry but isn't sure if he can.

What the hell just happened?

_I just shot myself_

_In school_

_And now I'm thinking about it_

_How is that possible?_

Tears start streaming down his face. He can hardly feel them or taste them on his lips. His mind wanders and he hears alarms and screaming. The school is being evacuated. He squeezes his eyes shut


	21. November 16, 2010

_**The Hollow Men by T.S. Elliot**_

_Mistah Kurtz—he dead._

_A penny for the Old Guy_

_**I**_

_We are the hollow men_

_We are the stuffed men_

_Leaning together_

_Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!_

_Our dried voices, when_

_We whisper together_

_Are quiet and meaningless_

_As wind in dry grass_

_Or rats' feet over broken glass_

_In our dry cellar_

_Shape without form, shade without colour,_

_Paralysed force, gesture without motion;_

_Those who have crossed_

_With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom_

_Remember us—if at all—not as lost_

_Violent souls, but only_

_As the hollow men_

_The stuffed men._

_**II**_

_Eyes I dare not meet in dreams_

_In death's dream kingdom_

_These do not appear:_

_There, the eyes are_

_Sunlight on a broken column_

_There, is a tree swinging_

_And voices are_

_In the wind's singing_

_More distant and more solemn_

_Than a fading star._

_Let me be no nearer_

_In death's dream kingdom_

_Let me also wear_

_Such deliberate disguises_

_Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves_

_In a field_

_Behaving as the wind behaves_

_No nearer—_

_Not that final meeting_

_In the twilight kingdom_

_**III**_

_This is the dead land_

_This is cactus land_

_Here the stone images_

_Are raised, here they receive_

_The supplication of a dead man's hand_

_Under the twinkle of a fading star._

_Is it like this_

_In death's other kingdom_

_Waking alone_

_At the hour when we are_

_Trembling with tenderness_

_Lips that would kiss_

_Form prayers to broken stone._

_**IV**_

_The eyes are not here_

_There are no eyes here_

_In this valley of dying stars_

_In this hollow valley_

_This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms_

_In this last of meeting places_

_We grope together_

_And avoid speech_

_Gathered on this beach of the tumid river_

_Sightless, unless_

_The eyes reappear_

_As the perpetual star_

_Multifoliate rose_

_Of death's twilight kingdom_

_The hope only_

_Of empty men._

_**V**_

_Here we go round the prickly pear_

_Prickly pear prickly pear_

_Here we go round the prickly pear_

_At five o'clock in the morning._

_Between the idea_

_And the reality_

_Between the motion_

_And the act_

_Falls the Shadow_

_For Thine is the Kingdom_

_Between the conception_

_And the creation_

_Between the emotion_

_And the response_

_Falls the Shadow_

_Life is very long_

_Between the desire_

_And the spasm_

_Between the potency_

_And the existence_

_Between the essence_

_And the descent_

_Falls the Shadow_

_For Thine is the Kingdom_

_For Thine is_

_Life is_

_For Thine is the_

_This is the way the world ends_

_This is the way the world ends_

_This is the way the world ends_

_Not with a bang but a whimper._

**The note he left behind:**

November 15, 2010

To whom it may concern,

This is my note. That's what people do isn't it? Leave a note. Suicide isn't something I've thought much about previously. It's not in my character to give up. I'm not giving up though, not really. I've fought to the end and now I'm here. At the end. I've reached my expiration date so to speak. I used to think I was destined to be a star and maybe in some universe I still am, but not here.

"Hell is empty, All the devils are here"

It's from The Tempest and it's why I can't help what comes next. It's a somewhat cryptic explanation I know but it's as much as I can say.

I might not be a star but I'm making a difference. I couldn't stand to live anymore, something you wouldn't understand, but my death at least will help the future. I want it to make a change. Raise awareness and better the world. Some people will scorn and say I took the easy way out but they're wrong. This was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. If I could have lived, it would be under a bell jar. I'd take death over that. This is the option I'm left with. I'm set free and leave my mark on those left behind. All I can hope for is that that mark isn't a scar.

-Kurt


	22. November 15, 2010

*Obviously the story has been triggering before, but this chapter has explicit suicide, so yes TRIGGER WARNING*

* * *

"_With determination and purpose, I head into the light." _

― Julie Anne Peters, By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead

**November 15, 2010**

Kurt walks out onto the stage. It's empty and completely silent but for the thudding of his own heart.

He runs through his mental checklist and it's surprisingly easy.

Note

Gun, with a single bullet

Make sure it's stormy out

Don't run into anyone you know

That's it.

Everything's in order. It's so easy from here on out.

The only thing nagging at his mind is his father. As of right now his "friends" who so rarely stood up for him are silly teenagers. They'll get over it. His dad and he however are close and Burt is sick. Kurt shakes his head, having gone through this argument before.

His dad has Carol, someone to love him.

He has Finn, the perfect son

His dad would be fine

_I need to do this_

_I can't take this anymore_

_The shame_

_The fear_

_The anger_

_I can't do it_

Kurt pulls out the gun. It's a standard Glock of his father's that was all too easy to sneak inside school. He pulls it out feeling the weight in his hand. He flips the safety off. He puts it to his head and-


	23. November 14, 2010

*SUICIDE AND ALLUSION TO RAPE TRIGGER WARNING*

* * *

"_In one of those brief bursts of light, I saw something I'll never forget: Hassan serving drinks to Assef and Wali from a silver platter. The light winked out, a hiss and crackle, then another flicker of orange light: Assef grinning, kneading Hassan in the chest with a knuckle."_

- Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

**November 14, 2010**

Kurt sits in his car, head resting against the steering wheel. He can't enter the building.

There sits the school, and there inlays the problem. It doesn't seem like just a school. It's more of a prison. Kurt's doors are locked and he can't get out. Can't force himself to go in there with so many people who could hurt him. More specifically the one that had.

He shudders.

He puts his keys back in the ignition and leaves.

He ends up shaking so badly he has to pull over. He realizes then that he can't do this anymore. He can't face people. He can't even think about what happened let alone talk about it. He feels lost, cut off.

_So don't bother._

_Life has no purpose anyway._

_I can't live in my own skin._

_I can't face anyone else._

_I can't sleep._

_I can't eat._

_So don't bother._


	24. November 11, 2010

"_I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."_

― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

**November 11, 2010**

"Kurt! Kurt wake up!" Burt yells, shaking his son awake. Kurt jolts up, drenched in sweat and immediately cowers back against his headboard like he's frightened for his life.

"Oh, dad." He says, realizing he's safely in bed, and relaxing his stance. Burt furrows his brow.

"Kurt you were screaming. Is everything alright?"

Kurt thinks about the question.

_Is everything okay?_

_No._

_Not at all._

_I'm terrified._

_Thinking about going to school._

_Seeing everyone._

_Seeing him._

_I want to puke._

_I'm terrified._

_I can't._

"I'm fine dad. Go back to bed."

Burt gives his son a worried once over, but nods, and leaves the room.

Kurt lies awake for hours, watching night turn to day.

He keeps thinking about how it could have gone differently.

What he could change.

He thinks about school.

_School_.

He's so scared of something so simple.

He can't imagine living the rest of the life like this.

He can't imagine living the rest of the year like this.

He can't imagine living.


	25. November 10, 2010

*SUICIDE TRIGGER*

* * *

"_**Again, I'm glad that you're here, Hannah. So tell me, when you leave this office, how do you want things to be different for you?**_

_You mean how you can help?_

_**Yes.**_

_I guess I… I don't know. I'm not sure what I'm expecting. _

_**Well, what do you need right now that you're not getting? Let's start there.**_

_I need it to stop._

_**You need what to stop?**_

_I need everything to stop. People. Life._

_**Hannah, do you know what you just said?**_

_**You said you wanted life to stop, Hannah. Your life?**_

_**Is that what you meant to say, Hannah? Those are very serious words, you know.**_

_I know they are. I'm sorry. I don't want my life to end. That's why I'm here._

_**So what happened, Hannah? How did you get to this point? I know you can't sum it all up. It's the snowball effect, am I right? It's one thing on top of another. It's too much isn't it?**_

_It's too hard._

_**Life?**_

_**Here take this. An entire box of tissues just for you. Never been used.**_

_Thank you._

_**Let's talk about school, Hannah. So I can get some idea how we-I'm sorry- how you got to this point.**_

_Okay._

_**When you think of school what's the first thing that comes to mind?**_

_Learning I guess._

_**Well, that's good to hear.**_

_I'm kidding. I do learn here, but that's not what school is for me._

_**Then what is it for you?**_

_A place. Just a place filled with people that I'm required to be with._

_**And that's hard for you?**_

_At times._

_**With certain people, or people in general?**_

_With certain people. But also… everyone. _

_**Can you be a little more specific?**_

_It's hard because I don't know who's going to… you know… get me next. Or how._

_**What do you mean, "get you"?**_

_Not like a conspiracy or anything. But it feels like I never know when something's going to pop out of the woodwork."_

_-_Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

**November 10, 2010**

"Mr. Schue?"

"Yes Kurt, how can I help you?"

Kurt walks into Mr. Schue's office and practically collapses in his chair, then winces.

"Kurt are you okay? You look sick?"

Kurt doesn't respond. He's staring at the intently at the floor, not meeting his teacher's eyes.

"Kurt?"

"I don't know how to begin." He says, still looking down. It's out of character for him not to look someone directly in the eyes.

"It's okay. You don't need to tell me anything if you don't want to. I'm here to listen if you need me."

Kurt nods.

"I can't tell you what, but something has changed. I can't be here anymore."

Mr. Schue opens his mouth then closes it, not sure how to respond.

"Can't be in glee club…school…?" he asks, leaving the question open for Kurt to reiterate his response with.

"Yes, but also no…"

He trails off, something that's also unusual for him.

"I can't say I understand your response, Kurt."

Kurt laughs hollowly. "Neither do I."

Mr. Schue stares at him, getting nervous.

"Do you want to talk to Mrs. Pillsbury, she might be a more qualified person to go to… about whatever… changed."

_He's trying to get rid of me_

_He can't handle my problems_

_Neither can I_

_I'm not me anymore_

_I should be able to handle this_

_I should_

_I can't_

"Kurt?" Mr. Schue holds out a box of tissues and a cup of water for Kurt. It's all he has to offer. The boy hadn't even noticed he was crying.

He takes them, giving a halfhearted smile.

"Thanks." He delicately wipes the tears from his face. "It's very sunny out today." He comments, still a little teary, but looking less lost.

Mr. Schue sighs in relief on the inside. He was worried something might be seriously wrong with Kurt, but maybe he just needed to cry it out.

"Yeah, it's been unseasonably warm, but this nice spell is sure to pass quickly.

Kurt smiles and nods in agreement.


	26. November 9, 2010

_**MAJOR MAJOR RAPE TRIGGER WARNINGS LIKE MAJOR WARNING**_

* * *

"_We were on the ground. When did that happen? 'No.' No I did not like this. I was on the ground and he was on top of me. My lips mumble something about leaving, about a friend who needs me, about my parents worrying. I can hear myself-I'm mumbling like a deranged drunk. His lips lock on mine and I can't say anything. I twist my head away. He is so heavy. There is a boulder on me. I open my mouth to breathe, to scream, and his hand covers it. In my head, my voice is as clear as a bell: 'NO I DON'T WANT TO!' But I can't spit it out. I'm trying to remember how we got on the ground and where the moon went and wham! shirt up, shorts down, and the ground smells wet and dark and NO!-I'm not really here, I'm definitely back at Rachel's, crimping my hair and gluing on fake nails, and he smells like beer and mean and he hurts me hurts me hurts me and gets up_

and zips his jeans

and smiles."

- Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

**November 9, 2010**

_There's a bang as the door slams shut and a football player exits the room_

Kurt breathes.

That's all his mind can think about

He's still breathing

In through the nose

out through the mouth

_I'm breathing_

_I'm alive_

Kurt tries to move he really does. His body feels as though it's made of molten lead. It burns and aches. It's heavy and impossible to control.

He wants to move. He needs to. He feels disgusting. Used. Broken. He wants to bleach himself, anything to remove the smell. The feeling. The pain. The memory.

There's blood coming from somewhere but he doesn't want to think about it. About what happened, here in the McKinley locker room.

_Karofsky_

_Karofsky, he…_

_Karofsky he hur-_

Kurt can't even think about it. He can't bring himself to form that thought in his mind let alone say it out loud. He can't believe that happened. It did. It can't. It did.

Shame overwhelms him.

His body doesn't feel like his own.

He doesn't think it ever could again.


	27. November 8, 2010

"Rue, who when you ask her what she loves most in the world, replies, of all things, "Music."  
-Suzanne Collins, _The Hunger Games_

**November 8, 2010**

Kurt walks into school, not confidently, but not scared. For whatever reason fear isn't what plagues him right now.

He feels somewhat at peace.

He's a normal teenager.

He has Glee Club, normal problems.

He has homework to focus on.

He feels like he has some perspective at this moment in time.

Right now, nothing is the end of the world.

Sure he's tired and this school year isn't shaping up to be great.

But he has a future. He's smart. Talented.

In this shinning, sunlit hallway, filled with the broken, the cruel, the discouraged, Kurt knows.

He sees it all spread out ahead of him.

Nothing can get in his way.

Because he has the best defense of all.

He has hope.

* * *

Wow, okay so this is the last Kurt chapter. I'm sorry I never managed to pull myself together and finish this fic, but luckily the Blaine POV chapters will be continued and finished by BleedingHeartsBeFree on their account, so if you're interesting in the rest of the fic, that's where to look! She won't start posting them immediately, but the fic will eventually be completed there.

Thank you so much for reading, it means a lot to me.


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